Letters
by oneperfectfit
Summary: Just because Sasuke has left the village doesn't mean that Naruto absolutely can't send letters to him and that Sasuke absolutely can't send a response... pure crack. Pairings inside, SasuNaru if you want. Some KakaSaku.


**Crack. Which I, being sick for the third time in six weeks, totally have a right to write. And most likely AU. Not that I care, because this is helping in my attempts to rid myself of writers block when writing all of the meaningful Kakasaku stuff and the one NejiTen that involved lots of pinyin dictionaries didn't work a bit. Let's see, possible Sasuke/Naruto, definite Sasuke/Naruto friendship, Kakashi/Sakura (Couldn't resist), mentioned Neji/Tenten and Ino/Shikamaru and definite implied/strongly hinted at Jiraya/Tsunade. Oh yeah, and mentioned Anko/Ibiki. I couldn't figure anyone to stick Lee with. And exaggerated Sakura's Fists of Doom. That's most likely all? Happy Spring!  
**

Dear Sasuke,

How is it over there in Sound? I hear from Jiraiya that Orochimaru's hands tend to wander a bit when he's off his medication. Like during the chuunin exams. And we all remember how _that _went, eh? Anyways, I'm training with Jiraiya-sama a lot. He's helping me perfect my Sexy no Jutsu! I can turn into a naked female version of _you _now! I'm sure that you're very proud.

Love, Naruto

Dear Naruto,

Orochimaru stays on his medication. Kabuto makes sure of it. Now go throw yourself off of a bridge. But thank you for being worried. And NO, I'm NOT proud. DIE.

Love, Sasuke.

Dear Sasuke,

So I heard from Sakura-chan today! Guess what, she's the apprentice to the Hokage now! Apparently she's gotten really _really_ good at punching things. Jiraiya-sama said something about channeling your chakra into your fists is how it works and had a nostalgic look in his eyes. I assume he was remembering how Tsunade-sama would beat him up for using her chest as a 'model' for an illustration in Icha Icha. Sakura says that she punched through a mountain to demolish it so it didn't avalanche. I fear for my head. Kakashi-sensei says hi! (by way of Sakura.)

Love, Naruto

Dear Naruto,

Jiraiya-sama is a perverted idiot. And you have good reason to be terrified of Sakura-chan now. Smart idea, getting out of Konoha and Sakura's Fists of Doom. Oh, and casually mention I'm sorry for knocking her out that one time. Why haven't you thrown yourself off a bridge yet?

Dear Sasuke,

Jiraiya-sama says that he objects to being called a perverted idiot. He says he is a perverted genius and that I am to include the newest edition of Icha Icha in this letter, which I have done so. Oh- we ran into your brother yesterday at the market! He was getting ingredients for his signature alfredo sauce. He says he's still _not_ sorry for killing off the whole Uchiha clan but he _does _want to make sure that you're eating all of your vegetables. Enjoy the Icha Icha!

Love, Naruto.

Dear Naruto,

If you run into my _despicable _brother at the market again, try to kill him. And tell him that I am _not _eating my vegetables. And after you kill Itachi, drown yourself in a barrel of alfredo. And thank you _very _much for the Icha Icha. Inform Jiraiya-sama that he is in fact a perverted genius. But could you ask him to send a message to Orochimaru that the position on page 69 is not possible between two males because I do _not _have male breasts, and that I am _not _interested in his pedophilic self? Also ask if he knows any good places around Sound, because I want to try it out with someone. Who is FEMALE, mind you.

Love, Sasuke.

Dear Sasuke,

Jiraiya says message sent! And also that a few kilometres north there's a good place, but only starting next year, because you're too young. (He apologizes for that.) I told your brother that you're not eating your vegetables. He was rather miffed. I think that he may be planning to force feed you some? I'm not sure, but I would advise you to watch out. Oh, Sakura sent me another letter. According to Hokage-sama, she now has the ability to topple the Hokage monument _only using her index finger_. You know what this means? Buddy, beware! We are _so, so, so, so, so, so screwed!_. Kakashi finds it funny, though, according to Sakura. I don't know. Konoha seems to be getting a little weird now that I've left.

Love, Naruto.

Dear Naruto,

Re: Sakura? Be nice to her when you return, or you will die. And call my brother _OFF, _dammit! Please send me a care package with certain filled prescriptions. Orochimaru has seduced KAbuto and is almost constantly off his meds and NOW HE'S LOOKING AT ME.

Love, Sasuke.

Dear Sasuke,

Itachi says that if _he _doesn't feed you properly, no one will and then you'll become malnourished. I'm sorry; I didn't know that he was a nutritionist! I'll try, I swear. Except I'm going back to Konoha soon and it'll be _way _harder to get messages to Sound. I don't think that they'll like me corresponding with you a lot. I'm sorry.

Love, Naruto.

Dear Naruto,

Enjoy returning home. Tell everyone that I'll visit once Itachi's dead and I have _power_. Don't piss off Sakura or she might kill you, seriously. And whatever you do, _don't eat any vegetables. _They are _evil_.

Love, Sasuke.

**_One and a half years later:_**

Dear Sasuke,

Okay, some pretty _weeeeeird _things have been going on recently. (Sorry it's taken me so long to write to you, but I couldn't find anyone willing to go to Sound for a while. Until now!) Like, for instance, get this: Sakura-chan has hooked up with _Kakashi-sensei_. Kakashi-sensei! He's _old! _I mean _eeeew_. And I definitely think that they're sleeping together, because when I went over Sakura-chan's house yesterday morning to steal her pot because I burnt through mine last time I made ramen and he was there. And they were _naked! _I think. But they didn't know I was there, but when I told Sakura she kind of tried to kill me painfully. But whatever. Oh, and Ino is apparently dating Shikamaru and Neji and Tenten are going out. And remember Morino Ibiki, the chuunin examiner? And Mitarashi Anko, the other chuunin examiner? I think that they're together too, which is sorta creepy. And Jiraiya-sama's slobbering all over Tsunade-sama, but that's pretty normal, right? Or he's slobbering over her chest, which is normaller. Whatever. Hope you actually get this letter!

Love, Naruto.

Dear Naruto,

_I told you that Sakura could kill you. LISTEN TO ME IF YOU WANT TO SURVIVE! _Also, Kakashi is dead. Although Sakura is over sixteen and therefore not a minor because if I remember correctly, she is now seventeen and then some, Kakashi-sensei is _dead_.

Love, Sasuke.

Dear Sasuke,

Yeah, about that killing Kakashi-sensei thing? Totally didn't work out. Sakura saw my attempt and threw me through the Hokage Monument. Not into. _Through_. I was in the hospital forever and Tsunade-sama and Shizune weren't really nice when trying to heal me. It totally sucked. And everyone was laughing at me afterwards. Anyways, I have to go train. So I'll write more later.

Love, Naruto.

PS When are you coming home? Cause Sakura and I've been killing off a lot of the Akatsuki, yeah, but I decided to leave Itachi to your non-mercy as a belated birthday present. You're welcome! Love, Naruto.

Dear Naurto.

You're an idiot. You kill Kakashi-sensei when Sakura _isn't watching_.

Love, Sasuke.

PS Itachi is dead. Expect me around two o'clock tomorrow.


End file.
